also, don’t wear white pants on the dancefloor sweeties. .
ALBUM OF THE WEEK: LOVELESS by My Bloody Valentine (aka) another nickname for your period.
This Classic shoegaze album is the perfect soundtrack to your period, it’s soothing, heavy on the distortion, and you can sit on the toilet bowled over for hours getting hypnotized by the melodic buzz and the sweet voice of wonder babe Bilinda Butcher as you cry your cramps away.
Plus, it was released on November 5 1991, which was exactly 2 weeks before I got my FIRST EVER PERIOD, you guys!! So this is one I keep close to my heart when i’m not a PMSing Mother Menstrual bitch.
TRACKLISTING AND COMMENTARY:
All songs written by Kevin Shields and psychoanalysed by yours truly
1. “Only Shallow” - I wish my periods were shallow, but they start off heavy like i’ve burst a femoral artery somewhere *sigh*
2. “Loomer” - This is about the moon and how it affects my cycle, I think at some primordial level, the female menses cycle of any species are intertwined with the tidings of the moon, But you’re going to have to ask my $10 Psychic lady more details about that, maybe she can give you a great deal and have your “Saturn Returns” consultation and palm read for a discount!
3. “Touched” - This is the part of your period when you cry over stupid Free Credit report commercials, and don’t even start with the ASPCA commercials with the Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You” soundtrack.
4. “To Here Knows When” - For all of you ladies with irregular periods, this is your jam. It’s like a guessing game as to when that friggin crimson tide will ever wash up it’s rosy flotsam and jetsam.
5. “When You Sleep” - This is the part where your period gets extra heavy and you need to wear those foot long pads with the jumbo wings, hence the “overnight” pad status. If you’re unlucky you may even have to wear the double jumbo tampax to go along with it. Let’s make it simple, we’ll just call you Hoover Dam.
6. “I Only Said” - This is that PMS argument between you and your BFF/boyfriend/girlfriend/lover/mom/dad/sibling/cat. You’re so hormonal and sensitive that you have to be right all the time, don’t you?
7. “Come in Alone” - After the argument (see above) no one wants to deal with your bitchy attitude anymore so you’re basically Forever Alone until your cycle ends.
8. “Sometimes” - This is when you get a break from your hormonal rollercoaster and you’re actually happy. Sometimes.
9. “Blown a Wish” - I WISH THIS GODDAMN PERIOD WOULD END SO I CAN GO SWIMMING/HORSEBACK RIDING/ PAINTBALL/ CROCHET again.
10. “What You Want” - aka a short and light period.
11. “Soon” - PMS, It will be over soon, Trust me.
This doesnt even need a caption. I think all girls know what this is..
Look, I really don’t have the time to explain why NIRVANA’s In Utero is our favorite Album Cover, since it’s obvious that you can see her reproductive system. Also, Kurt Cobain is still our favorite guy since he married the Queen of PMS herself, Courtney Love.
PLUS he had an obsession of things which are found in one’s Uterus - babies and foetus statues, maybe he drew a Placenta back in the day. RIP Kurt.
And how can you get rid of those cramps, you ask? Well sit down and drink Pennyroyal Tea, DUH!
Here I am with Lady Gaga, she asked me what my favorite song of hers was, and I said
BLOODY MARY….. DUH!
PAWS UP MONSTERS!
If you have any questions about your menstrual cycle (aka unsightly discharge or ice pick stabbing pain in your ovaries) you just let me know and i’ll be of assistance. After all, I got my first period 20 years ago, in 1991. Which means i’ve travelled around the sun 20 times bleeding once a month for the sake of this tumblr.
I’M THE FUCKING MASTER OF PERIOD ADVICE.
SOMEONE HAD TO ASK YAHOO ABOUT THIS!!!!!
Well, I think Vampires want fresh blood, they don’t want your uterine lining, plus it smells gross. Maybe there’s a vampire out there who likes period blood, similar to someone who thinks Pont l’Eveque or Limburger cheese is delectable, not to mention the biggest offender that is Durian ( ugh barf).
But you know guys, I wouldn’t have a fucking clue since i’m not a Twilight-reading queefy Tween.